Sunday, 25 November 2012

My Biggest Fears

I always get really stressed out when I have check ups. I have a check up this week, hence this topic.

I know they are there for my benefit, and at the end of the day, I need them, but the thought of walking back into that hospital and getting round after round of chemo put in my body is really the thing I fear most. I have one this coming week. The "regular" set of tests, and then the appointment with my oncologist the following week.

I don't mind being in the hospital. I volunteer there once a week. I am there on my own terms. When you are sick, you have no choice. You have to go, and the pain, although it is helping you, is quite an ordeal to go through. I know I made it through my treatment, and I believe it has worked, I in that. However, as any cancer survivor will tell you, the fear isn't there everyday, but it always seems to be there.

I worry about the needles, the constant pain, and the hardship on my family. I know I am tough, but I prefer not to have to go through any of that again. 

I recently got married. I don't want to leave Sara on her own. I promised her I would take care of her. And to start a family and not be able to see it through almost makes me feel like I would be abandoning them. Even when I would never do something like that.

 Not being able to contribute and help people out is a big fear. It took me getting sick to start getting involved in helping cancer patients. Last year I raised $4820 for cancer research and am going again this year. But I feel I have many years to make up for, so I need to double my efforts. I work hard to make sure that people weren't as ignorant as I perceive myself to have been. You can still have a successful career and make a difference in your community. I try to show this to people as often as I can.

I was reminded recently why we must keep fighting. A young women, aged 23 who worked in the lab beside me passed away from malignant skin cancer. She had done quite a bit in her 23 years, more than most, but she still had a lot that she could accomplish. I knew she had not been doing well, but I didn't know it had gotten that bad, it had been awhile since we had talked.

This is The Fear we all have all cancer patients have. To fight hard, but it not be enough. But I will continue to push on, I have no other choice really.

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