It is hard to admit to yourself that something is really wrong with your life or with yourself. Especially when you go through something hard or traumatic. It took myself a really long time to admit to myself some of the things I went through when going through cancer treatment.Being able to say you are not okay, is very difficult to do. I finally am coming to grips with the fact that I am in some regards not okay with what happened to me, and what has happened since.
It really took its toll on me and as odd as it may seem, it took a year away from treatment to really realize all the brutal things I went through, not only from a physical but an emotional stand point. I joke about it a lot of the time, more as a barrier I think to not really talking about it and I think that has helped up until now.
I realize that I went through a year of basically what I would call hell with chemo, surgery, radiation and the countless times I got sick. I was basically in pain for twelve straight months.
I know it is nothing really different from what other cancer patients go through, but it doesn't make it any less important. I am now starting to try to take care of myself and deal with some of these things. The hardest part so far has been that I need to ask for help.
I feel like I have asked for quite a bit help so far, maybe already my fair share if you will. Between doctors, nurses, friends and family, I feel like I have already used up "my share". I don't want to be a bother or cause any more hardships for people. I think that is common for cancer survivors. I was a burden long enough, and I don't want to be one any more.
I am forcing myself to start to deal with these things now. I have gotten very irritable at work, and very unhappy and these are not characteristics of me.These are things that I need to deal with and get back in working order.
Admitting to myself that I am not "okay" has been difficult. It felt like a big shot to my pride, and self worth. I don't want to take up more peoples time, and if I am lucky it won't take up too much, but getting me emotionally back on track is becoming my top priority.