Wednesday, 10 July 2013

The Feeling of Isolation

Some days I feel a lot more isolated then when I had cancer. Which is weird because there was many a time when I felt that way too during treatment.

When I was in the hospital it would be easy to feel isolated. I didn't have many visitors. I got very lonely during that time. Didn't get many phone calls either. I felt particularly bad for Sara who had to deal with it too, and also had no visitors for her. She had to leave for work every day and had to leave me there by myself. The feeling of isolation from the world grew. One time I actually was in "isolation" and people couldn't really visit. But that is a bit different in its own right.

When I finished treatment, and got healthier again, I still have that nagging isolated feeling. It is hard to explain to people how you feel and how you hurt in different ways. People don't understand what I went through, even the people that were right there. But that isn't their fault, I am happy none of my close friends have ever had to experience what I have. It does make me feel like some days, many days, I don't have support, even when I do. It is hard to see it some times. Again, this is no fault of the people around me who do want to help and do help, it seems to become not obvious to me.

I felt bad recently as I was complaining about this to a friend, without giving an acknowledgement to the fact that many other people, for many different reasons, feel isolated as well. It gave me a major pause, and it is something I still think about today. For me, I find it hard to trust and I think that is one of the reasons I feel that way. I can't speak for anyone else.

The feeling of isolation is a weird one. I live in one of the biggest cities in Canada and feel like there is no one in it. It has brought me a bit down lately and I have found it a bit hard. But I will continue to push through and keep remembering I am not actually alone.

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