Wednesday, 25 September 2013

I Thought it Got Easier?

"Things get easier, you will get less stressed with each check up" - Everyone who I talked to who had cancer and is in remission

One of the hardest things I have dealt with since finishing cancer treatment is the growing sense of fear that everything will be taken from me again.

Fear of recurrance is a real issue that cancer patients deal with, and a lot of the time, I really feel like most people don't really understand that too well. I get the fact that most people want to be done with cancer "things" when treatment is over, and honestly the thought of going back is hard in everyone. I see the point of view of both family and care givers that it really took a toll on their lives. It really does take a toll.

However, for me, that toll seems to grow over time. It seems to get harder and harder with each check up. With each three month window life seems to get harder, more complicated, more difficult, and I am struggling to find the proper answers for things, or any "real" solution. 

I struggle more and more with "life" decisions. Where to work, what to do with money, where to live, etc. With every check up, I think "well I had those three months, it was a good ride while it lasted". Don't get me wrong, I am confident in my doctors, I am confident that they did everything possible for me and would do anything for me. I see all the time that these doctors at the cancer agency do their best to save lives. They are real heros. but it doesnt make me any less stressed out. Recurrance is  real, and I see it way too often. It makes me incredibly sad, and somedays, I feel incredibly helpless. I just want to live life and be happy. Make a difference, and continue on my way.

I don't know what to make of it these days. I still can manage to put it aside and go to work, and do my job. Get the bills paid, get things done. But it has gotten harder and harder with each check up. I know life isn't fair. I know, if it was, i wouldn't see children every time I go to the cancer agency. I just wish it actually did get easier. 

Not just for me, but for everyone in my situation.

1 comment:

  1. Hey cuz,

    This blog pulled on my heart strings a little bit, not just because your family but also because it is true. I can't imagine how it feels to beat cancer and go into remission just to have the stress of the possibility it could come back. Just remember, take it day by day, there will be better days than others but that is just the way life works. Live life to the fullest, follow your dreams, and never give up! You have lots of family that loves you (including me) and I'm sure tons of friends for support, not to mention, Sara I'm sure she has been your rock through this whole thing.