So I have been going to a few different counseling sessions now and I think it is safe to say I haven't found my groove.
I have tried a few different things and gone to a few different places but, as odd as it may seem. I think it might be making things a bit worse. Group counseling has basically been a disaster. I tried the online group, and as I have mentioned before that wasn't really great as everyone was older and didn't have similar issues. So I started going to a group counseling aimed at people between 25-35 years old, mainly to find people with common problems or concerns and If I am honest, I haven't really found that. If anything I have felt more like an outcast as many of the people in the group sessions seem to get along quite well, and I haven't really fit in. I am not sure if this is a common problem or not, but it is my problem at least. People seem to talk, and listen well at them, and at the end people break off in to little groups and I am left basically by myself. the outcast of the outcasts. I know I have become much more reserved as far as speaking to people goes, and I do get stressed out when talking about cancer issues, and I think people probably think I am a bit of a weirdo or something. That is the feeling I have gotten anyways.
I have also done a bit of one-on-one counseling and although that started off reasonably strong, it seems to be tailing off a bit. I am not sure I see the value in. But it has become me sitting there explaining what is going on in my head (which is hard enough to put into words when I don't particularly enjoy that) and someone saying "yeah, that is difficult". You are telling me.
I had someone tell me that finding counseling that works for you is like dating, you just have to keep going and try to find one that eventually works, so I guess that is the boat I am in now. I just want to find the right person to talk to I guess! But who doesn't want that? All I am looking for is someone I can connect with, who doesn't get tense when I talk about things and that I just feel comfortable around with this "elephant in the room".
I know part of the problem is I don't live around most of my friends, the people who would listen, and I don't want to burden the people closest to me with my problems because they have dealt with quite enough already. I want to make it as easy as possible for them.
I think maybe my problem has been what I expected from counseling. I thought I could go in, say my problems and have someone would have some advice for me. For the most part people have just told me basically "yeah that sucks" and "you are not the only one". Two things I already know. I know it sucked, I lived it, and I know I am not the only one. That I see every time I go to a group. I am a reasonably competent person, I know cancer is not just "my problem". I have already addressed my problems, I just don't know how to get past them. That is the help I am looking for.
Clearly I have not found the "right" spot yet for counsel but I will continue on trying to find one.