Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Trying to Find Balance

One thing that makes life hard for someone (like me) who had cancer (or any other major illness) is how life becomes so uncertain so fast. Young or old, I think this holds true. 

It becomes a constant struggle I find to balance long term and short term goals, and finding a "balance in your life. Many days I have a hard time with this, more so if I am not feeling great. Work can be stressful, I just want to leave some days, other days it is great. I feel to find a good balance you need a consistent life, something which cancer survivors or patients don't really have.

I think for me, I am still hesitant to make a lot of long term goals. Every three to four months I go in to see the doctor again, and I know first hand how fast things can change. This mentality can sometimes make long term planning at work or at home very stressful. In some cases, short term planning becomes stressful too. For example, I am waiting for MRI results currently. I have two conferences I want to go to for work in the next four weeks. I don't know if I can go, but I have to book soon (basically by Friday) before I have my results. If the tests are fine (which I believe they will be) then no problem. If it isn't then I am out a bunch of money without the ability to work for an extended period of time. Problematic.

Day to day, I do alright. I still work hard every day at my job, but some times my mind can wander a bit, and I have to real it back in. I start to think what would I want to do if I had to go back in again. I really feel I haven't done a good job at "living" and doing the things I said I wanted to do after treatment. I went back to work right away, wish I could of taken time off, but rent needs to get paid! I reached some of my main goals, which was very important and certainly don't want to trivialize that. Getting back into decent shape was a big undertaking and I finally feel like I am making progress with that. Still a ways to go but it is getting there. I still am not sure what I want to do for work, this can lead to frustrations a lot of the time. I am under a lot of pressure to do certain things and act a certain way by the world. I haven't been able to find that balance of what I want to do versus what others want, or need me to do. 

I still feel like the world is watching over me and scrutinizing what I do. I wish I could just go away for a few days and be by myself, but I can't really. I need to be at work, and I need to be at home. I am very envious of people who at least get the opportunity to rediscover themselves or take vacation or whatever after treatment is done. I know it doesn't always go perfectly but at least they have an opportunity. I would love to have some time off to readjust and really find what balance I want in my life.

I don't always know if what I am writing makes much sense. I think today might be one of those days.


  1. Hi Eamonn,
    your writing makes a lot of sense - to me!
    I just found your blog through the Generation Why site, because your articles just spoke my mind (and heart). I've been reading your posts non-stop and realised I could comment on every second post. Our cancers are different, but I can relate to so much you've written.
    Thanks so much for sharing your story and thoughts - and best wishes - Sophia

    1. Hello and I am glad to hear that the posts speak to you! I have found this blog to be very helpful to not only myself, but others, it has been truly a great experience! I will continue to share and all the best to you too! - Eamonn