Sunday, 12 May 2013

What a Week this has Been

It has been a tough couple of days. 

I had a surprise check up to get my leg looked at where I had surgery. They doctor poked around a bit and told me that the bump in my leg was probably scar tissue. I was elated.

That elation lasted about a day or two before I started worrying again. That wasn't really much of a test, but I know they wouldn't of told me this otherwise based on my past experiences at the cancer agency. I have an MRI on Monday as my regular check ups go so I will know for sure. Again, tons of stress with each one of these. I am not alone in those types of things.

I have a long layover between my scan and meeting with my oncologist. Longer than ever before. Again added stress. What if they call before hand? What if they don't? Why is there such a long lay over this time? Am I not important anymore? Am I fine? Am I a lost cause? All thoughts that I have.Whether real or not, scan time is stress time.

I get so stressed out around checkups and doctors appointments. Even more so when I start poking around my leg and feeling how lumpy it is. I cannot keep track of them all. It is tough. I always poke my leg until it is hurting or bruised when I find these spots. It sucks, but I can't seem to talk myself out of it. It can wear someone pretty thin.

I worry because I am scared of what a bad test result would mean. No one wants a recurrence. I am cancer free and I want to stay that way. I don't want to have to go back to the chemo ward. I don't want to have more surgery. I don't want to die. When I think about these things, it wears me down to the bone.

I am a cancer survivor. It has effected my life greatly. I don't want it to effect it anymore than it has. It hurt so many people in my family. So many friends have felt the pain of it too.

I honestly feel for everyone who has had to go through this. Patient, family, friends and care givers. It truly is hell on a persons body and soul. I am looking forward for these next few weeks to be passed. Then I can relax again.

No comments:

Post a Comment