Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Being Proud of my Body

I am proud of my body. I am not particularly the strongest or fittest man in the world. But I put my body through hell and it came out with me on the right side of things. I never treated it the best, sometimes I ate or drank too much, or didn't give it the exercise it deserved, but I won't look at it the same way after cancer.

Little things that I never thought I would be proud of. My veins deserve an award. The amount of chemo that went through them and the scaring that has followed. They were so beat up at one point that I could not straighten my arms without pain. They are getting better now.

I am proud of my skin. Chemo sure does dry it out, while radiation made it blister and burn. Must be worth than traveling through the desert without water. The amount of skin cream I used to keep it in tolerable shape was probably worth a small fortune. All that is left now is some patches where the radiation goes went where there used to be some hair.

I am proud of my leg and hip. Particularly proud if I do say so. These were the areas that were attacked by Ewings Sarcoma. And although I lost bits of my body, some muscle, some fat, they too proved how strong and resilient they were. They didn't ask for this but who does? my leg will always be badly scarred but now it is a source of pride for me. I fought hard to stop the cancer in my body, and although it will be a constant reminder of many painful days it also serves as my motivation to keep going.

I am proud of my stomach. The amount of drugs it had to deal with, and as sick as it felt some days, it came through for me too. It tolerated what it could (which some days wasn't much) but it did what it could.

I am proud of my brain. It kept telling me to keep going, and kept things from falling apart. Kept convincing me that this was the right thing to do and not to quit. Even though I had battered everything it was connected too. Letting me know that everything would be better, whether I believed it or not.

Me in Hawaii about seven months after treatment
My body is truly amazing is what I have learned from all this. The ability of a body to heal and deal with trauma I don't think I ever really understood until this. I will always be grateful for what it did for me. I will still eat too much and drink too much sometimes, but I will treat it better now, and I will always be proud of it. I still have a long way to go to get where it deserves, but we are getting there, and most importantly, we will.

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